


Feeling alive

by Marium



Category: Supernatural, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Family Drama, Family Reunion, Gen, John and Negan are the same person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 20:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10368450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marium/pseuds/Marium
Summary: One of the reasons Negan had been able to become who he'd become was that he never thought any of the people he had cared about in his life would ever be there to see him afterwards.Now, though? Now his son was in front of him and the fact that they were family definitely didn't make him blind.





	

Negan brandished Lucille, sweeping her a few times in a circle after taking her back from Rick, who looked like he had been a mere second away from using her on her owner. He grinned at the man and leaned into his personal space as he made some comment about what a submissive pretty bitch Rick had become after being put in his place. **  
**

He was causing terror in the residents of Alexandria with his mere presence, and to be honest, he was very much delighting in how just a look had them shitting their pants. He was talking to Rick about just that when-

“Dad?”

Without even having time to consciously register the sound of that voice, or the word it had said, Negan automatically snapped around himself, giving his back to Rick and everything else that had held his attention a moment ago. His eyes became almost comically wide circles full of incredulity when they landed on a man whose expression was a mirror of his.

Breathing felt like it didn’t give him any oxygen at all. Lucille trembled in his grip for a moment. Then she fell to the ground and Negan didn’t even notice it.

“Oh my _fucking_ -”

He cut himself off and all but ran towards the other man, who still was too deeply in shock to properly react. Only when Negan wrapped his arms around him and held him tight, raising him a few inches from the ground, did he snap a little out of it and moved his arms, automatically closing them firmly around Negan’s body and breathing in deeply and shakily. He felt like he was breathing for the first time in his life.

Negan settled him on the ground and stepped a foot away, his hands moving from his back but only to settle on his shoulders. He stared at his face, taking every single detail in, and for once no kind of witty comment left his half-open mouth.

“Dean” he said almost breathlessly after a while. “Fuck, Dean, you’re alive.”

Dean nodded slowly, trying to speak but still not quite managing it. He seemed to be shaking with emotion and gripped Negan’s arms like he would fall to the ground if he didn’t. His eyes were still two full circles who couldn’t even blink.

“So are you.”

“Fuck yes I am. Shit, Dean, I…”

Dean licked his lips slowly and looked away from Negan’s gaze, which was far too intense. His eyes set on something behind Negan’s back, and he seemed to finish waking up. His eyes gave away that his brain was working at full speed, and a moment later he took a shaking step back. It hurt like hell to Negan, who took a step forward, and he could see in Dean’s eyes that it hurt him too.

“Dad, are you… are you Negan?”

He knew then what his son was looking that, and why among the conflicted emotions in his eyes there was fear. He was looking at Lucille, after all. She had to be as famous as him at this point.

“Well, what the hell do you think? Of course I am.”

It was only a verbal confirmation of what Dean already knew, and Negan already suspected what his reaction would be like, but his stomach still clenched and turned painfully when his son gave another step back, shaking his head as he muttered ‘no’. As if he refused to believe what he had just heard.

“You’re the one who’s threatening to kill us all? Finish the job, actually. You’ve already gotten some of us out of the way, right?”

All of what Negan had become during those years seemed to vanish as soon as he heard the mix of disappointment, sorrow and anger in Dean’s voice, leaving behind a very confused, very scared man with the long-forgotten name of John that didn’t know what to do with the situation at hand. He swallowed thickly. One of the reasons he’d been able to become what he’d become was that never thought any of the people he had cared about in his life would ever be there to see him afterwards.

But now? Now Dean was seeing him and the fact that they were family definitely didn’t make him blind.

Negan cursed and turned around, hoping that the time it took him to retrieve Lucille would give him some moments to put his thoughts in order. However, when he saw what he had left behind, he only found another reason to curse loudly.

He had lost control of himself there. Those of his men who were around, including Simon, were definitely very interested in this new side of Negan that none of them had ever seen nor knew anything about. More importantly, maybe, was that Rick had seen it too, and his eyes flew from Negan to Dean repeatedly as he approached to where his bat waited.

“Did he call you ‘dad’?”

“You say anything about it, Rick, and I’ll show you that you haven’t fucking seen my bad side yet” Negan warned with a dark growl as he knelt to grab Lucille. He stared at him briefly, daring him to speak, and then turned around hurrying back to Dean.

“Come along, kid. Let’s find some better place.”

He didn’t know if Dean would have gone with him on his own, because he gripped him tight by his shoulder and made him complain as he was roughly yanked somewhere else. Negan didn’t even register it. The ideal thing would have been one of the houses, but as soon as no one was around he pushed Dean in front of him.

“Is Sam alive as well?” he barked more than asked, feeling his heart pump hard in his chest as he awaited for the answer.

Dean definitely didn’t look happy, if the way his eyes narrowed and hardened were any indication. He pursed his lips and crossed his arms as he did a surprisingly good job of matching his dad’s stare. He must have seen something is it, though, because his expression softened a few moments later and he nodded silently.

Negan realized then that he had been holding his breath, and took air in, full of relief. It felt like he was alive for the first time in years, since everything started and he felt all his reasons to actually care he was alive were ripped right off him. One of them, though, was in front of him, and other one was waiting somewhere nearby.

He felt his eyes start to water. He didn’t remember the last time something like that had happened to him.

“Thank fucking god.” He pulled Dean into another hug, longer this time. He couldn’t stop himself from shaking as he did it, and only when he was convinced he could hold himself together did he pull away, just enough to look at his face. “Take me to him.”

“No.”

“What the fuck do you mean, no?”

Negan’s mouth had dropped a bit as he stared at his son in disbelief. Dean stepped back and looked right back at him, arms crossed and brow furrowed. Negan could easily read him - he was his father, after all - and saw that there were still a myriad of encountered feelings in him. The slight shaking of his arms gave away some fear, the way he leaned forward said that he was aching to embrace him again, the twitch of his lip spoke of utter confusion. However, he seemed certain enough in what he was saying.

It made Negan angry. After all these years, and one of the first things he said was that he couldn’t see his other son?

“Look, kid, I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking, but-”

“Not until I understand what the fuck’s going on here” Dean cut him off, rolling his eyes. “This is just- I’m confused, dad. I need to make sense of it, and I guess you got some questions, too.”

Okay, that made sense. He didn’t like it, but he could understand it. He breathed deeply to swallow down the anger he had left and nodded. “Sounds fair enough. You go first, boy.”

That seemed to please Dean, who gave him a little smile as a thank you. Indeed, he looked like he needed some time to sort his thoughts, since he closed his eyes and leaned back a little, deep in thought. Negan couldn’t help a smile at the familiar gesture. He gave Dean some minutes, and despite his impatience, he could use the time to sort his own thoughts as well.

Finally, Dean opened his eyes and pointed at Negan’s bat with his chin.

“Lucille, huh?”

“Yeah, I know. Pretty shitty name, right?”

Negan chuckled bitterly as he swung her around a couple times for Dean to see, then held her in front of him, looking at her pensively. Mary Lucille Winchester, Campbell before she made the mistake of marrying Negan. Everyone always called her Mary, but Negan used to call her Lucille, mostly because it slightly annoyed her and then it became just his way of saying sweetheart.

He knew that Dean wasn’t asking about names there, though.

“We were both at the hospital when all this shit hit. One of the first things that happened was that some son of a bitch went nuts and started screaming it was God’s fucking punishment and the next thing I know, the bastard had set the fucking hospital on fire. She couldn’t leave, and I didn’t want to leave her to fucking die alone, you know? But she asked me to go look for you two, so… I was away enough when it exploded. They must’ve had some explosive shit there. I’m pretty sure there was nothing left of her to fucking turn into no shit.”

He grinned at the bat, a bitter and angry expression. All these years, and it still stung like a son of a bitch to think of that. Specially because he hadn’t found their sons at all and she’d been alone for nothing.

By the time he looked up, Dean had composed himself from whatever his face had been as he listened, although he could do nothing about the watery shine in his eyes. His lips were a tight line and his jaw was tense to have some control over his expression.

“I see” he muttered. He breathed deeply. He looked like he was about to add something, but shook his head slightly and disregarded it. “You ask, now.”

“Well, kid, how about you tell me how the hell you ended up here? I’m still a bit in shock about you not being dead or worse, you know. Calm a father’s worry.”

“Sam and I were with Bobby when these bastards started not being dead enough” he started. Yes, Negan remembered. Their mother was supposed to have a few more months left, and his children had decided to give him some time alone with her, to allow him to break down without having to worry about them seeing it. “One of the first things we heard was that everything was a mess back home. Sam and I wanted to go look for you, but Bobby said it was suicide and convinced us to leave somewhere safer.”

“Little bastard” Negan grunted. “I was at his place within a week. Can you imagine what I felt when I saw it empty and thought you were dead, Dean? I almost killed myself right fucking there!”

“Well, yes, I can pretty much imagine it” Dean replied with an almost scathing tone. He was losing his grip on his expression. “We thought you were dead too, dad! Every day, I’ve-!”

He stopped himself, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He continued as if there had been no interruption.

“Bobby died a year later, got bit in the leg too high to cut it. It had been just us three until then, mostly because any person we came across either died within a week or tried to kill us. It was just Sam and me, then, and we managed to make do. We tried a few groups, but it never worked out for long. It was just us most of the time, not staying in a single place too long and avoiding as many troubles as we could. Then we met Rick’s group.”

“It was Glenn, actually. He had just gone through some shit at some prison and was trying to find the rest of his group. Abraham was there, too. Sam and I were cornered and about to say goodbye to everything, and then they come in blazing guns and saving us like cavalry. We weren’t too sure about it, but Glenn convinced us to tag along with them. Then we were at a place called Terminus” Dean shivered visibly at the name. Negan frowned in concern and made a mental note to find out about it later. “There was some serious shit there, enough to make us stick with Rick until now.”

Negan nodded and licked his lips, turning around for a moment and giving a few steps as he thought about it. He knew that if his children had survived that meant they had gone through pretty fucked up shit, and they’d hardened up quite a bit, too. Dean seemed fine enough telling it; nonetheless, he felt the need to go to him and tell him everything was alright, like when he was a kid scared of the monster in the shadows of his room.

He felt he wouldn’t be too welcome in that moment, though.

“Abraham and Glenn saved you, then” he commented in a neutral tone. “Damn, I sure as shit have some fucking brilliant victim-picking skills, don’t I?”

“You bet you do. Glenn didn’t just save us, he… He was almost like family to us, more than anyone. And then he met Negan.”

“John was a pretty unimpressive name, don’t you think?” Negan replied, spreading his arms wide, grinning and bending his knees a bit, all to hide the sting of pain the scathing tone of his son made in him. “So I chose a kickass brand new one for myself. New man, new name, new rules.”

“Yeah, and what’s that? Something about going to people who’ve done nothing to you, kill someone and tell them everyone’s gonna die unless they become your slaves? Does that sound familiar? What the hell, dad?”

“Look, kid, I’ve had a few fucking shitty years, so quit the fucking judging!” Negan snarled, going up to Dean and screaming almost into his face.

“Well, we’ve had a few fucking shitty years too!” Dean screamed right back. Anyone might be listening to them, but Negan couldn’t bring himself to care in that moment. “And we’ve done nothing like you have!”

“Oh, excuse me, mister example of integrity! I must have dreamed about that time the people here killed 40 fucking men without blinking an eye! But of course that was absolutely vital to your survival and it’s nothing to feel any fucking guilt about, right? This was completely an one-sided, unprompted thing.”

Dean was about to scream back, but something changed his mind. He leaned back and gave his father a cold smile.

“You know what? Forget it. Let’s go see Sam.”

That startled Negan, the sudden cut of the increasing tension between them, and he didn’t quite trust the easy smile on Dean’s lips. On the other hand, the thought of seeing Sam too made his heart jump inside his chest.

Sam and Dean. They were alive. It still didn’t feel like it was real.

“Sounds sweet as a good cunt. Lead the way, kid.”

Dean grimaced at hearing that in his father’s voice, but stopped himself from commenting on it. He led Negan to a house that was a bit smaller than than the rest and stopped in front of the door, looking down deep in thought. Negan could barely wait to get inside, but Dean put his hand in his chest when he tried to do it.

“Might be better if you leave, eh, Lucille out of his sight at first. Just leave it at the entrance before rushing to him.”

Negan nodded and did what Dean suggested. He couldn’t hide all of this, but he wanted Sam’s first impression of him to not have the mixed feelings Dean had had. He followed Dean into a room deeper inside the house and inhaled sharply.

Sam was there, giving his back to them. He was looking through some papers, and seemed calmer than everyone else on Alexandria was, although there was a slight tension to his shoulders.

Oh, and he was lacking his right arm.

“Dean, I hear you. Has something happened out there with these bastards?”

“I think you should turn around, Sam.”

It took a few more seconds, but he did. Negan’s breath hitched yet again when he looked at his face. Sam was four years younger than Dean, and his face showed much more how much time had passed since the last time he saw him. Dean had been a young man and Sam had been a boy about to be one. They were both grown men now. However, as different as Sam looked, with sharper and stronger features, and a hair turned into a wild mane, his eyes, wide and astounded, were just the same.

“... Dad?” he asked in a weak tiny voice.

“Shit, son, you ain’t gonna say hello to your old man?”

With that, Sam was standing and rushing to Negan, who had his arms open for him. He closed his arms around him and felt Sam’s only one do the same, with enough force to make up for the lack of the second limb. And once more, Negan felt like oxygen was entering his lungs for the first time in years.

Just like he had with Dean, as soon as he pulled away he put his hands on Sam’s shoulders, keeping him in place as he inspected his face from up close and was inspected in return.

“How…? Dad, how are you here?”

“He’s with the Saviors, Sam” Dean chipped in, voice as in conflict as before. “He’s Negan himself.”

He was witness to the slow change on Sam’s face. The wide smile remained there, but with the change of his eyes it turned from delighted and barely believing to tense. He looked at Negan, at Dean, and Negan again. He shook his head.

“What? No. No, no, that’s impossible.”

“Tell him, dad.”

“... It’s true, Sam. Negan might be my current nickname.”

Sam shook his head again, and he stepped back. Negan tried to cling to his son, but something in him told him it’d be worse so he let him slip and watched as he turned around, passing his hand through his hair and muttering ‘no’.

“Dad, this isn’t funny. I don’t know what Dean told you but this isn’t funny. You can’t be a Savior.”

“Sam, please, look at me. It doesn’t have to be bad. It can be good, for both of you. I’m the hottest shit here and you’re my sons. Surely this is a good thing.”

“You might have noticed that Sam’s not whole.” The clench in Negan’s chest turned a tad easier a bit when his attention shifted to Dean’s far more composed face. “That’s courtesy of your goons, so you might understand why he’s not too keen on the idea. Neither of us. We, huh, we hadn’t had any contact at all with the Saviors, we didn’t even know who you all are and what you do. Let’s just say that they made things ugly and Sam’s lucky he only lost an arm and that we could tend to him before he died of blood loss.”

As he listened, back given to them, Sam gripped his side and Negan knew that he did it because it was the closest thing he could do to touching his arm. He swallowed thickly.

He felt cold inside, cold and numb. His son had been mutilated and it could be largely blamed on him. Because when he thought he didn’t have anyone left to care about in the world, he stopped worrying about the people others cared about. And because of that his son couldn’t make himself look at him in the face.

He wanted to step towards Sam and touch him. He knew he wouldn’t be welcome on that moment.

“I’m sorry, Sam” he said weakly instead.

“I’m alive. Same can’t be said for everyone, so I guess I’m lucky after all.”

Dean looked at him and shook his head gently, indicating to just let the matter rest. Negan hated it, but couldn’t do anything but listen to him. He looked around the room in the tense silence that settled, inspecting the place where his sons had lived.

“This place’s good shit” he commented eventually. “I mean it. But the place I’ll give you will be a fucking palace in comparison.”

“You’ll give us a place?”

“Well, of fucking course. I’m taking you two back to the Sanctuary as soon as we’re done here.”

That at least got Sam turning back to him, in time with Dean snapping his head in his direction. They were both scowling, Sam mostly in confusion, and Dean in frustration.

“Listen to me, dad. Look, I’m happy to see you, I really am. We both are. But this is far too fucked up for a happy family trip with corny music on the background, alright? Sam and I need to sort this out, because this is a hell of a bomb. We’ll talk about everything then.”

That made Negan roll his eyes. “Bullshit. I’m taking you with me and that’s not up for discussion. I made a slip out there and now everyone’s figuring out who you are. Rick definitely knows, and I’m sure he’s not fucking noble enough to not use you against me. You’re not safe here anymore.”

“Rick’s a good man” Sam replied with a scowl. “He’s looked after us since we first met. I doubt he’d ever hurt us.”

“Well, because you haven’t given him a reason yet! But that man’s a killer, kid, a butcher. I’m sure as fuck he’s gonna try something now and I’m not risking either of you.”

“Even if that’s true, he’s not more dangerous than any of your men, so I’d rather take my chances here.”

“Goddamit, kid! Are you fucking stupid or are you choosing right now for your rebellious teenager stage? I don’t know how the fuck you’ve survived this long if you lack basic survival common fucking sense!”

Sam walked up to him then, chest almost against chest. He had been too busy before, but now, holding his fiery gaze with his own, Negan realized that now his younger son was taller than him.

“You have no idea what we’ve done this far. Definitely more than sit down and boss people around to go do your dirty work.”

“You have no idea what I’ve done either, Sammy” he snarled back. “You think I could build all of this if I wasn’t the smartest motherfucker around? So if daddy says he knows better, he motherfucking does!”

“Sorry, but I don’t feel like accidentally pissing any of your men and losing my other arm, thank you very much.”

Was Sam always like this and Negan had simply filtered his own thoughts, or had he grown into this stubborn bastard over those years? Anyway, before he could scream another reply at him, he was being pushed aside by Dean, who had just walked between the two of them.

“Enough of it, you two! It’d be a fucking shame if all three of us survived only for you to kill each other now” he grunted, sending one dark glare at both of them. In the end, though, he stood beside Sam, frowning at his father. “I mean it, dad, give us some time to process all of this and maybe next time we’ll figure something out. I don’t give a shit you’re Negan, we’re staying here and that’s final. As for Rick, sure, he can be a cold-hearted bastard if he feels he has to but he’s smart. He knows we’re more valuable alive than dead so we’ll still be here next week.”

Negan looked at him, teeth gritted and knuckles white. “Suit your fucking selves” he snarled. “I’m a reasonable man and I’m gonna give you this, but don’t test me. Next week I’m taking you home even if I have to tie you both up with someone’s guts.”

He turned around after that, not really feeling like looking at their faces anymore. He took Lucille on his way out and placed her on his shoulder when he reached the street. Truth was, he probably could use that time as well, to try to deal with his sons having such a reaction to him. It was understandable, after all, even if he fucking hated it.

But they were alive. Angry and hurt, but alive, and that was what was important. Despite his stormy mood, he couldn’t help but smile and sigh happily as he went through Alexandria. Sam and Dean were alive, in real life and not in a dream, and they were within his reach.

It was just a matter of time, and Negan would have part of his family back with him and feel alive himself.


End file.
